Choose Compassion: How To Shift Negative Self-Talk
You might not have even noticed, but the way you talk to yourself can either build you up or tear you down.
Self-talk refers to what we say to ourselves both verbally and through our thoughts and has a significant impact on our emotions, mood, self-worth, confidence, and actions. And therefore the results we create.
Too often, we say or think things like ‘‘I can’t do this’’, ‘‘I’ll try, but I’ll probably screw it up’’, ‘‘I’m not smart enough’’, or ‘‘I have to/should go to (the gym/work/something else that feels like an obligation).’’
When we talk to ourselves in this limiting and negative way, it erodes our creativity, our performance, and our success and it creates an undercurrent of self-doubt.
But by shifting from negative to positive self-talk, it puts our conscious and subconscious mind in a state of readiness to support us, building us up.
So, how can we shift our negative self-talk?
1. INTRODUCE MIRROR TALK
This might sound and feel silly at first, but remember, this is just between you and the face staring back at you! There will be many people we encounter or have relationships with throughout our lifetime, but the one constant person that will always be there is – YOU!
YOU are the most important person in your life and what you say and believe about yourself is more important and valid than what anyone else thinks, says or believes about you.
Smile at yourself, notice and appreciate all your amazing qualities and strengths and tell the person in the mirror what you think of them.
If it makes it easier, pretend the person in the mirror is a friend; we are often much kinder to our loved ones than we are to ourselves.
2. DEVELOP MANTRA’S/AFFIRMATIONS
Mantra’s and affirmations are words or short phrases that are repeated often to replace negative self-talk statements with positive language and are great for boosting confidence and self-worth.
I have certain mantras or affirmations that I repeat to myself every day or just before a difficult situation and they always put me in a confident state of mind. I often repeat these mantra’s/affirmations when I’m in front of the mirror, too.
It’s worth noting that mantras and affirmations only work if you truly believe the statement on an emotional and cognitive level and use them consistently.
They serve as a great addition in shifting negative self-talk, but only when used with other strategies.
3. USE ACTIONABLE LANGUAGE
Word choice really makes a difference. Instead of expressing what you cannot do, reframe your self-talk in ways that encourage you to take action and move forward.
For example, what would happen if you switched ‘‘I have to go to the gym" to ‘‘I get to go to the gym?’’ Or switch ‘‘I can’t lead this meeting; I’m going to screw up’’ to ‘‘I can lead this meeting; I’m going to be great!’’
While these subtle shifts may seem small, they have a HUGE impact on your attitude and confidence.
Here are a few other examples:
Instead of ‘‘I don’t think I can’’ use ‘‘I know I can’’
Instead of ‘‘I messed up. I’m not going to try that again’’ use ‘‘I messed up. I’ll apologise, fix it, learn from it and move on’’
Instead of ‘‘I’m too afraid, I’m not going to do it’’ use ‘‘I’m afraid, but I’m going to do it anyway!’’
Instead of ‘‘That’s too hard, I’m not sure I can handle it’’ use ‘‘Looks like a challenge, let’s do it!’’
Instead of ‘‘I don’t have enough money, I can’t go’’ use ‘‘I’ll find a way to earn money, so I can go’’.
Instead of ‘‘I’m too old/young/insert other excuse here’’ use ‘‘I’m going to GO FOR IT!’’
4. REFRAME
Reframing is about shifting our perspective and looking at situations, thoughts and emotions from different angles. I don’t know about you, but my negative self-talk most often shows up when I’m dealing with difficult or challenging situations or when I’m out of my comfort zone, i.e. when things are hard.
When you’re faced with a hard situation and notice the negative self-talk crop up, intentionally STOP and STEP BACK. Acknowledge the negative talk, observe what emotions come up and then question and challenge your assumptions and beliefs surrounding the thought. Is the thought true? Is there any evidence to back it up?
Then ask yourself how you could look at the situation differently and come up with a more supportive narrative. For example, instead of being upset and berating yourself because you didn’t get the job you interviewed for, deeming yourself a failure, instead see it as an opportunity to learn and improve and be an even stronger and more confident candidate for your next interview.