Feeling Overwhelmed? Drop Those Balls!
Do you ever find yourself caught up in the relentless cycle of busyness? Where you’re juggling a million different balls and your life is just completely out of balance?
Life can be overwhelming at the best of times, but at this time of year, in the run up to Christmas, even more so. As women, we tend to put everyone else first, and if you’re a mum, the additional pressure to provide the ‘perfect’ Christmas can lead to complete exhaustion, guilt and burnout.
And it affects all areas of our life: our quality of sleep, our nutrition and exercise (or lack thereof), our state of mind, and our productivity and mood. It also has a detrimental affect on those around us, causing strain in our most important relationships.
As a working mama, I totally get it. In the chaos of modern living, with too many choices and distractions, we tend to overthink, over-analyse and live in a constant state of overwhelm. I don’t know about you, but I’m over it.
Between work, family and everything in between, it’s no wonder we feel so pressured to be high achieving ‘superwomen’.
The perceived judgement from others can also be hard, especially in a society that doesn’t praise non-traditional roles. We often compare ourselves to other women or mum’s that are seemingly able to do it all and feel guilty, believing that we’re letting our kids, and ourselves, down. But I promise you, we all have our own struggles, whether they are visible or not.
And sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies.
We like everything to be done our way and we don’t delegate or relinquish control of responsibilities easily, especially in the home. Our to-do lists are endless and our cognitive loads…well, they’re overloaded!
So, when we have a million plates spinning at once, and we’re overwhelmed and on the brink of burnout, what can we do? Just man up and keep pushing through?
According to Tiffany Dufu, author of ground-breaking book Drop the Ball, in moments of overwhelm, what we actually need to do is LET GO.
I first became aware of Dufu’s work in 2016, when I picked up a random magazine in an airport whilst on my travels. I vividly remember reading the article on the plane and having a complete a-ha! moment. As a high-achieving woman, Dufu was brought up to believe that to have it all, we must do it all. Which often led to guilt, overwhelm and burnout.
Her story really struck a chord; as an over-achiever who likes to be in control, I could really resonate. I shared the same belief and had shaped my whole life around it.
The article then went on to share her ideas around how to break free from the guilt and avoid burnout; by creating all-in domestic partnerships, accepting help from others, and making more time for ourselves.
I excitedly showed my husband the article (this is ME!), before cutting it out and tucking it into the front pocket of my rucksack.
Just the week prior, we had arrived in Cartagena in Colombia, South America and had checked into our hostel. We were about 3 weeks into our 6-month travelling trip. However, unlike previous travelling trips, we weren’t going home. We were moving to Australia at the end of it, permanently.
After winding down from my job as Operations Director at a company I loved (and which my identity was greatly tied to), shipping our entire lives across the world and attending numerous leaving parties, saying goodbye to the people we held most dear, I was on a massive come down.
After the flurry of excitement and emotion, a huge wave of self-doubt had settled in over our plans to move to Australia. Not to mention, I’d arrived in Cartagena with a mild case of flu, a hundred mosquito bites and the humidity was beyond anything I had ever experienced. To top it off, the hostel we were staying in only had one single AC split unit, which they only switched on between 9pm-5am (when the humidity was at its lowest). I was feeling pretty damn sorry for myself. The humidity was a bitch. I was a bitch. My husband and I ended up having a fight and I told him to leave me alone so I could wallow miserably in bed.
A short time later, he came back and said, ‘’Right, come on Jen. I’ve booked a hotel across the street. It has full AC all day long and the room is a lot more comfortable so you can rest up. Let’s go!’’
Say WHAT? As he picked up our backpacks and started getting everything ready to leave, I stood there in shock. And amazement. I was the one who usually organised everything. So, what happened in that moment? Without meaning to, I dropped the ball. And my husband picked it up, just like that.
Since that plane journey where I first discovered Dufu’s article, we have lived in Brisbane, Melbourne (where we had our daughter) and spent 6 months back in the UK. Most recently, we’ve been living in Perth and although we have had to reassess and rejuggle responsibilities and priorities many times in the last four years, Dufu’s idea behind ‘‘dropping the ball’’ has remained a constant in our household.
After arriving in Perth in December 2019, whilst unpacking, I found that same article still safely tucked away in the front pocket of my rucksack. I immediately ordered Dufu’s book and it has since become my bible; it’s filled with practical and actionable advice and has completely transformed my life (not to mention my husband’s!). I still forget to drop the ball sometimes (it’s a constant effort for me to let go), but when I do, all areas of my life thrive.
Feeling overwhelmed? Here’s how to ‘‘drop the ball’’ and flourish at home and work:
1.) PRIORITISE THE PRIORITIES
Can we have it all? Maybe not. But we can have the things that truly matter to us. It’s about prioritising what’s important.
For example, my husband, daughter, health, friendships, and overall mission for my business are all things that I CAN’T delegate to anyone else. They are my ultimate priorities, my non-negotiables and where my complete focus goes.
But everything else? Either ask for help, delegate or let it go. If you hate cleaning and you can afford to, hire a cleaner. Cooking everything from scratch for a dinner party? Unless cooking is a massive priority for you, relieve the pressure and buy dessert (or hell, buy the whole dinner if you have to!). Is the ironing piling up and steam coming out of your ears? Just don’t buy stuff that needs ironing! (I hate ironing; this is my solution, I’m sure there are others).
As Dufu says, DO less and achieve MORE. Focus on what really matters.
2.) ASK FOR HELP
According to Dufu’s revised definition of ‘dropping the ball’, it’s ‘’to release unrealistic expectations of doing it all and engage others to achieve what matters most to us, deepening our relationships and enriching our lives.’’
One of the biggest mindset blocks that holds us back from achieving powerful goals and greatness is asking for support. We need to stop taking pride in doing everything ourselves and wearing ‘’busyness’’ as a badge of honour.
Cultivate an inner circle of people you can rely on and ask for help and support when needed. Find your TRIBE.
And remember, asking for help is actually a strength! Have the courage to be vulnerable. It doesn’t mean you’re not capable, it just means you are aware of your limits as a human being. We all need help sometimes.
3.) REINFORCE ALL-IN DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIPS
When it comes to chores or childcare, do you often find yourself asking your partner to do something for you? ‘’Can you take the rubbish out for me?’’ or ‘’Can you just pick the kids up from school for me today?’’.
Do you then go on to thank them afterwards? I used to be SO guilty of this, and still sometimes slip up from time to time. There’s nothing wrong with showing recognition or appreciation, but we also need to recognise that men are just as capable and responsible for taking care of the house and kids as women are. And likewise, women are just as capable and responsible for bringing home the bacon.
When it comes to splitting the responsibilities, the key is to get clarity on who does what. To help with this, play to your strengths. I hate personal admin and paying bills, for example. My husband isn’t too keen either, but he’s better with numbers and prefers that to laundry, so that’s one of my main responsibilities. I do the grocery shop and plan our meals, but my husband does most of the cooking. And we equally split all childcare responsibilities.
The key? Resist the urge to remind them to do things! Don’t micromanage and take over. If you go ballistic when they screw it up (and they inevitably will, in your eyes), and proceed to show them how much better you are at holding the ball, they’ll just think, why bother? Wouldn’t you?
And remember, shit happens. Remain flexible, open, and adaptable when it comes to your shared responsibilities.
4.) SET EXPECTATIONS WITH CLEAR COMMUNICATION
Women are not mind readers. So why do we always expect our other halves to know exactly what’s going on in our minds and anticipate what we need? Hell, it would be great if they could, but that’s a pretty big ask!
Generally, men and women think and assign meanings to situations in very different ways. Set expectations by telling the people in your life EXACTLY what you need. Don’t dangle a carrot and hope that your other half will decipher the real meaning. Be explicit. This goes for all people in your life.
It’s also important to assume the competence of others. Outsource tasks you don’t have time for so you can concentrate on the bigger picture. Delegate and give junior members of staff recognition and responsibility. Raise your kids to be independent, thriving adults by giving them the tools to do more for themselves, rather than doing more for them. Whatever you do, set clear expectations, step back and let others shine.
5.) MAKE LIKE ELSA AND LET IT GO!
I’ve always been the organiser when it comes to social activities with friends and my husband. I love making dinner reservations, planning activities, researching travel plans and organising the troops. I guess it’s the project manager in me.
These days though, I’m not so anal about it and it’s actually a really wonderful feeling when someone else takes over. I’m quite happy for others to take the lead from time to time, especially in my personal life.
I’ve now come to accept there are different ways of approaching things, too. Others may not carry out tasks exactly the way that you would or to your perfect standard, but ‘good enough’ is good enough.
Drop the ball with unapologetic attitude, and you may be surprised at the results.
Remember, it’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. I still find it hard to let go at times and I still experience guilt, even though my daughter is thriving. And I still lose my shit over silly, insignificant things. It will happen. But now I acknowledge it, apologise (to myself and others), and let it go.
It’s something I have to work on, every day. But by dropping the ball, I no longer feel so overwhelmed. Instead, I feel like I’m in a partnership where I’m supported. And I don’t feel the need to be perfect all the time or always in control.
The most ironic thing of all? My husband and my tribe have always picked up the ball for the big stuff. The things that mattered most. I was just too focused on ALL THE THINGS to notice.