How To Set Healthy Boundaries To Improve Relationships
As women, we've grown up with the expectation of adopting the ‘caring' role and often find ourselves managing the worries and stresses of others, believing that we're responsible for making the people in our lives happy.
But taking on such a heavy emotional load is nothing short of draining, and this can lead to overwhelm, burnout, anxiety and even depression.
Do you identify with any of the following?
You feel responsible for other people’s happiness, well-being and emotions?
You get lost in other people’s opinions?
You feel guilty when you let people down?
You share too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, close yourself off and don't express your needs and wants?
You have an inability to say ‘no’ for fear of missing out, rejection or abandonment?
You feel like you're sometimes being used, or taken for granted?
You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you?
You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life?
In the past, I had some pretty flimsy boundaries, and this invited other people to take advantage of me. I remember feeling angry, upset, uncomfortable and resentful at the time and, in some instances, the behaviour of these people affected my emotional well-being.
We can still care for others, but we need to recognise that we are not responsible for anyone else's mood, behaviour or happiness. We can only control and be responsible for ourselves and we need to accept our limitations in relation to other people, whether that be a partner, parent, relative, colleague, boss or even our kids.
When we think about setting boundaries, we often think about building invisible walls to keep other people out. But boundaries are actually connecting points, as they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, and indeed, strengthening them.
It allows us to make ourselves a priority, whether that’s in self-care, career aspirations, or within relationships.
Having healthy boundaries communicates to others that we have self worth.
Boundaries also build trust and respect and it helps us to quickly identify behaviour that might be harmful. If you don't respect your needs, others won't either and will take advantage.
These days, I’ve surrounded myself with people that are supportive, honest and direct; people who respect my boundaries and have no problem enforcing theirs.
As Dr. Brené Brown wrote in her book, Rising Strong, ‘‘Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.''
Even though personal boundaries can be challenging to navigate, setting and communicating them is essential for our health, well-being, and even our safety.
You likely have healthy relationships and boundaries in place with some (or even most) people in your life, but if you struggle setting (or enforcing) boundaries with others, check out my tips below.
Whether it’s setting clearer rules with your partner, or asserting your limits when it comes to your boss, here’s how to draw your boundary lines with confidence:
1. Identify rights and set limits
The first step in setting boundaries is to identify your rights. For example, you have the right to be treated with respect, to say no without feeling guilty or to put your own needs first. Make a list of all your rights and then choose to believe in them. Practice reading them out loud, daily. This serves as your benchmark.
Next, identify the boundaries that already exist (or are lacking), by examining previous experiences where you felt angry, guilty, uncomfortable or resentful because your limits had been crossed (this could take a while!).
From here, you'll be able to clearly define what your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual boundaries are (in the context of all your different relationships) and set your limits; from parents to strangers, and everything in between.
Remember, boundaries are flexible; we can reassess and change them as we evolve.
2. Follow your instincts
Don't underestimate your instincts; they can help you determine when someone is violating your boundaries or when you need to set one up.
Being aware of your reactions to other people can clue you in to your own level of comfort. I tend to tighten my jaw when I feel slighted and angry, for example. And I know my heart rate goes up, my face goes red and I start to sweat when I'm caught off guard or feel unsafe (that creepy feeling you get when you feel like someone is watching you or following you home).
Check in with your own body to see if it provides clues - sweating, blushing, avoiding eye contact, tightness in your chest or stomach, clenched fists, flinching, backing away or just a gut feeling. Don't ignore them. If something feels unsafe or uncomfortable, trust your instincts.
Don't let other people tell you what's best for you; only you know what you need.
3. Learn to be assertive
Being assertive is about being confident and direct in expressing your thoughts, opinions and emotions, without worrying about what other people think.
Assertive language is clear and non-negotiable, without being harsh or threatening (be careful not to be aggressive; there's a difference!). The best way to set a boundary using assertive language is to keep the focus on yourself.
You can do this using 'I' statements, rather than 'YOU' statements.
''YOU have to stop bothering me with a million questions as soon as I walk through the door, it's exhausting and YOU'RE making me stressed!''
could be replaced with
''I feel overwhelmed when you start asking me lots of questions about my day as soon as I walk through the door. What I need is some time to myself after work to unwind.''
This is clear and to the point, asserting your boundary, rather than focusing on the other person.
Remember, it's not about them, it's about what you need (also, it helps avoid the blame game, as 'you' statements usually cause the other person to get defensive, which can then lead to a full-blown argument...been there!).
And don't worry about coming across as rude or unkind; in actual fact, you're being more respectful to the other person by being honest, fair and direct.
By not informing someone that they have crossed a line, it just leads to confusion for them and resentment for you.
Instead, by being assertive, your values and needs are more likely to be met and you'll maintain your self-respect. Win win!
4. Just say no
We're often hesitant to say no without then offering up a valid explanation as to why. But if you don't want to do something, you don't have to offer an excessive justification or apology.
This is where our assertiveness comes in. Be direct and confident in your delivery and maintain eye contact. The more you practice this (start small), the more comfortable you'll become in just saying NO!
Otherwise, if you're not 100% sure whether your answer is yes or no yet, buy yourself some time. Get used to saying "I'll come back when I've given this some thought". If they push you further, you can say "I'm not comfortable making snap decisions about this. If the answer is required now, I have to say no".
Remember, you don't owe anyone anything. It is not selfish to say no; it's a form of self-care and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. You can choose to spend your time/attention/energy how you see fit. Accept that you're not always going to agree with other people and that's ok.
5. Follow through on consequences
It is not enough to just set boundaries. You MUST enforce them.
Enforcing boundaries means following through with consequences that you have already declared, otherwise the boundaries will not be EFFECTIVE (this applies to setting boundaries with kids too).
To set consequences, communicate clearly and calmly the action you are willing to take if the person does not respect the boundaries you have set.
Try not to show any emotion, such as frustration, anger or irritation; as soon as you show emotion (rather than communicate from a rational state), you lack conviction and this provides opportunity for a power struggle because the person may not be convinced that you'll actually follow through.
Remember the IF/THEN rule:
"IF you continue (offensive behavior), THEN I will leave the room/ask you to leave."
"IF you are unwilling to respect my boundaries, THEN I will have no choice but to end the relationship."
At the end of the day, if people are unwilling to respect your boundaries after asserting yourself and making it clear what the consequence will be, you are well within your rights to follow through (and you must make sure you do, otherwise they will know you have lax boundaries).
If you’re still experiencing challenges with setting or asserting boundaries, or if someone is causing you to feel uncomfortable or you don't feel safe, don't hesitate to get help.
Reach out to your personal or professional support network (that includes me!) or a mental health or law enforcement professional.
Most importantly, remind yourself of your own worth. Frequently.
You are entitled to feel comfortable and safe, and ensure your needs are met and respected; physically, emotionally and mentally.
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