Feeling Attacked? How To Stop Being So Defensive
Have you ever had an argument and got caught in the negative cycle of attack and defence?
Where you hear something that you perceive as an attack or criticism, and then you immediately retaliate to defend yourself?
Most of the arguments between my husband and I used to start in this way. One of us would say something that the other perceived as a criticism or attack, defenses went up and a retaliation attack would ensue. From there, things would escalate quickly.
By the end of the argument, after going round in circles and neither of us feeling heard or understood, we were often left feeling frustrated, exhausted, and resentful. Not to mention confused as to what started the conflict in the first place!
We’ve been together now for over ten years and married for seven, and although we do still have arguments (who doesn’t?), we have become a LOT better at recognising these patterns and nipping them in the bud before they escalate further. It’s something we’ve both had to work on together over the years and stems from a desire of truly wanting to understand each other (and let’s be honest, a bit of peace and quiet).
Feeling defensive is a natural self-protection mechanism and usually occurs when someone triggers or touches on something that we already might doubt about ourselves, or we feel is an unfair assessment of our character/who we are, i.e. we feel misunderstood.
But defensiveness can undermine our relationships and impede our emotional and personal growth.
If your default reaction is to feel attacked and you tend to get defensive in your intimate relationships or with friends, colleagues, or even your boss, then follow my tips below:
1.) TAKE SOME SPACE
The first step to overcoming defensiveness is recognising how it manifests for you and acknowledging that you’ve been triggered. For me, this usually consists of feeling emotionally overwhelmed and compelled to launch into a counter-attack!
Once you recognise your own trigger points, intentionally slow down and take some space before responding (whether that be just taking a breath or physically removing yourself until you’ve had time to process).
When we act from a place of defensiveness, we mix the past up with the present, which leads us to potentially jump to conclusions about what's happening or misread the other person’s intentions. We then respond in emotionally reactive ways that don’t make sense to others (or that we often regret).
When we take some space, we are then able to shift our focus inward and find a more constructive way to respond before we return to the conversation.
2.) PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES
Each of us has a frame of reference; a window through which we view and perceive the world. This is based on our beliefs, preferences, values, and cultures.
But most people tend to get trapped in their worldview, with an inability to see things from another person’s viewpoint and they ignore alternative and often valid ways of looking at a situation. After all, if we see our perceptions as real, we believe others must see them as real, too. This leads to us thinking that our way is always the ‘right’ way.
When our partner, boss or friend holds a different belief, opinion, or perspective to us, it can sometimes feel threatening, and it becomes harder to communicate in a healthy way.
If you’re in conflict with someone, it’s useful to stand in their shoes to get an understanding of what they’re thinking, feeling, and experiencing. Ask yourself, ‘what does the world look like through their eyes? What do they think about me and how I’ve behaved? What would they like to happen?’ Then ask yourself, ‘what do I think a stranger looking in on the situation from the outside, would say to me about my part in the conflict?’
3.) BE CURIOUS - LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND
As author Stephen R. Covey once said, ‘’The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply.’’
Usually, when someone is in distress and voicing a complaint, there’s always some unmet need, want, desire or unexpressed emotion underlying. Suspend your own reactivity and defensiveness to connect with the other person’s deeper needs.
To help with this, listen fully to the other person, without planning your argument or your response. Who they are includes their belief system and no one likes it when their beliefs are challenged or disrespected!
Feeling heard and understood can often be the first step towards identifying compromise. To help with this, answer the following questions together:
How can we support each other?
How can we understand each other’s views better?
What do we agree about?
What are our areas of compatibility?
What common goals do we have?
What changes can we make to improve the situation?
4.) CREATE HEALTHY DIALOGUE
We all know too well that what a person says is not always what they mean. Most conflictual situations arise from a misinterpretation of what another is trying to communicate.
Make sure your partner, boss or friend knows you truly want to understand what they are saying. Rather than trying to come up with a retort, let them know they’ve been heard by repeating back to them, using their exact language, what you heard them say.
Ask them to reframe or explain something in a different way if you need further clarification, or ask them, calmly, ‘’What do you mean by that?’’ This helps defuse the reactivity and allows you to continue to communicate in a healthy way.
Another way to create healthy dialogue when approaching a difficult topic is by keeping the focus on yourself. This helps to avoid the blame game. You can do this using 'I' statements, rather than 'YOU' statements.
“YOU have to stop bothering me with a million questions as soon as I walk through the door, it's exhausting and YOU'RE making me stressed!''
could be replaced with
‘'I feel overwhelmed when you start asking me lots of questions about my day as soon as I walk through the door. What I need is some time to myself after work to unwind.''